An Open Letter To Husbands During The Final Stretch of Pregnancy

Dear Wonderful Husband,

I know that for you, life is relatively normal and so far, unchanged.

You probably wonder what the hell I am so crabby about lately since I have “no job” and all that. But I’d like to fill you in on some of the really unpleasant side effects of bearing the fruit of your loins. I will even number the list for you so it is easy to read, and therefore, easy for you to understand and stop acting like you are some kind of royalty.

1. I literally have to pee every 15 minutes. If I don’t pee immediately when I feel the urge, I get pain in my lower abdomen and sometimes even get Braxton Hicks contractions. This basically makes leaving the house really, really uncomfortable because I cannot convince any health care professional to let me have a freakin’ catheter until delivery. And yes, I’d rather have a bag of piss slapping me in the leg than have PAIN whenever I cannot immediately empty my bladder.

2. The baby loves to kick the ever livin’ doodoo out of my bladder, further complicating the stupid peeing situation.

3. Electric crotch. Yeah, sounds like it might be kinda fun but trust me IT ISN’T FUN. It f*cking hurts. I have no idea what the little frog is doing in there to cause hot electrical pain sensations in my vajayjay,  but he does it constantly, and he does it good. Damn.

4. Every single article of clothing I have is too tight and hurts my belly. Unfortunately we also live in a polar ice cap where spring time weather means 20 f*cking degrees and snow. So I can’t even wear dresses and skirts. So think about that the next time you have to iron a shirt. Is that shirt causing you undue pain? No? Ok, then STFU.

5.I can’t bend over without pain. EVER. So think about that when you leave your rotten smelling socks all over the place.

6. Speaking of rotten smells, I can smell everything funky in a 5 mile radius. It is beyond unpleasant.

7. Even though we are nearing the third trimester, I am still subject to random bouts of vomiting, exacerbated, of course, by my ability to smell the FUNKY FUNK everywhere around me.

8. I have had a headache for six months. Yes, I know, I can take tylenol, but everyone knows acetaminophen is a useless waste of chemicals that causes needless and undue stress on the liver since it does ABSOLUTELY NOTHING FOR PAIN.

9. I cannot sleep more than 30 minutes at a time. Supposedly you need three hour blocks of sleep to reach the rejuvenating REM sleep phase, so basically, I NEVER SLEEP, even though the eyes are closed and it appears as if I am dozing. You, on the other hand, get one bad night of sleep and I get an earful of moaning until I drop your ass off at the redline. I see this as BULLSHIT and want you to try to not sleep for months on end with a G.D. headache that won’t quit, and THEN you can start moaning.

10. Oh MY GAWD with the KICKING. Everyone is all “OMG, I loved feeling the baby move!” and I’m all, “STFU this shit hurts and keeps me awake all night long.” It’s not all cute and stuff. It’s quite literally, a pain in the ass.

These are the top ten reasons I have been a little extra crabby lately. So yeah. I wanna see you do this with grace and style. Not gonna happen, I know you don’t have a uterus, but GOD HELP ME, If I could switch places with you, I TOTALLY f*cking would. I’d love two minutes of pleasure and then 9 months later, boom, a magical baby comes. So YOU, Mister, need to count your blessings for having a dick.


your bloated, pregnant, fed-up wife





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