Things No Parents Ever Tell You About Potty Training

My son is almost 3.5 now and I’d really like him to go to preschool in the fall. So we have been working on the potty for several months now. We’ve had many big successes and a lot of setbacks. I mean, a lot. I have cried tears of joy and tears of frustration.

I’ve also polled the masses of experienced parents for their tips and tricks to make this happen. I won’t go into a diatribe of all the stuff that supposedly worked for them; you can google that or ask your own set of potty-pros. But what I will tell you is all the things NO ONE WILL EVER EVER TELL YOU about the long, rough, disgusting road of potty training.

1. Turds in underwear are absolutely, positively disgusting beyond words. I mean, I’m pregnant right now so my level of tolerance for gross is pretty low, but I am telling you, even the strongest stomachs don’t want to scrape soft stools out of Lightning McQueen undies three times a day, just so that they are clean enough to throw in the wash without having to firebomb the washer afterwards. (And yeah, accidents happen and you expect them, of course, because he is just a beginner. But over time you will see that at some point it becomes no longer accidental. Read further for more explanations on this fun point.)

2. You will expect the above nastyness in the beginning weeks of potty training, but become angry and revolted when it seems that the crapping in the undies is like a really FUNNY game to your little one. You may wonder if you are raising up a sociopath and second guess every single thing you have ever done in the kid’s short life.

3. You will waste at least $50-$100 on stupid seats and potty chairs that will never, ever EVER please your finicky child. Can you imagine all that over something to shit in? Yeah, get used to it. And sure, you can take your kid to “pick it out” so he feels more grown-up and in control, but once you get that thing home he will act like you are sticking hot metal pokers in his ass just tryin’ to get him to sit on it.

4. Just when you think you have it down, all bets are suddenly off  when one day when your kid stands in front of you, pissing his self on the carpet with a devilish smile on his face.

5. When you find turds in your closet, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

6. Your kid will poop in the toilet a bajillion times over many weeks. You will dance and sing, give stickers and m&ms and call grandma and grandpa and just make a total ass out of yourself over doo-doo. Then one day he will hide anywhere he can to poo in private in his undies. You will be uber confused because the day before he LOVED the potty. There is no rhyme or reason to this.

7. You will literally clean more shit and piss off the floor than when you got that puppy. Yep. Good times.

8. Everyone will say pull-ups are the devil and to NEVER EVER use them when potty training. You will understand, and throw them all out (uhhh, ok, use them up, because let’s face it, they are expensive). You rejoice in not having to spend an extra $50 per month on diapering supplies! JOYOUS JOY OF JOYS! Then one day you just can’t take cleaning out all the poo undies anymore so you go to Target and buy the damn pull-ups.

9. With your precious pull-ups in hand, you make your kid wear them, and he is pissed. Like really really mad. He insists on underwear, of course. After fighting with him to wear the G.D. pull-ups once again, he uses the potty every single time and insists on wearing a brand new pull-up every time, despite the fact that he can MIRACULOUSLY keep his freakin’ pull-ups dry, but not the unders. Go figure.

10. After some more weeks of pull-up fights, you cave and let him wear underwear again. Guess what? Back to shit and piss city.

11. You will, absolutely, without a doubt, MISS DIAPERS WITH EVERY FIBER OF YOUR BEING.

So there you go, potty noobs. The down and dirty on the messy life of a potty training kid. I know it’s hard; you will have successes and setbacks. But just know you are not alone, despite the cute and pretty picture everyone else wants you to have about this insanely hard process. Good luck to you, and just do whatever is right for you and your kid.


Family, life, Travel

My TOP Pieces Of Advice To Take On Your Disney Vacation

Lately I’ve been seeing a lot of pins for planning a Disney trip in my Pinterest feed. There are undoubtedly numerous resources on the ‘net for tips on the best possible Disney trip. The place is truly EXPENSIVE and most people don’t have the luxury of going multiple times, so naturally a lot of people want to make the most of it. And having just been for the first time as an adult with my own kids, I have a few pearls of wisdom for you.


1. You can’t do it all. Let me repeat that: YOU CAN’T DO IT ALL. Yes, you spent a ton of cash on theme park tickets and you splurged on a Park Hopper pass, but seriously, give yourself a break. I read countless articles before going on our trip that advised taking a day off from visiting the parks just to relax by the pool or to visit the different resort hotels, which are a sight to see in and of themselves. I told my husband he was nuts to buy theme park tickets for all seven days we were there, but he did it anyway. And you know what? We burned out. I was ready to go home at day three. This is also partly due to the fact that we were also traveling with his family who we don’t get to see very often, so naturally my husband wanted to spend a lot of time doing what they wanted to do. But this leads me to my next point.

2. Don’t travel with a big group and expect to have your own plans or any private time as a family. It seems like the most magical place on earth would be the best place to meet up with rarely seen family members, but the fact of the matter is that if you are not willing to take a break (as mentioned above) there really is no time to spend together to catch up. I don’t consider traipsing around a stupid amusement park for hours on end to be quality time spent with Grandma and Grandpa from Timbuktu. Especially when some of your group is under five and hasn’t had a proper nap or night of sleep in six or seven days. It’s just not a good combo. So if you wanna meet up with your remote family members in Orlando, that is fine, but PLEASE DO take tip one to heart and take a day off for relaxing and maybe some good quality face-to-face time.

3. Do let your little ones determine what the plan will be for the day, and BE FLEXIBLE. Again, this is hard when you have a large group to deal with, but when it comes to your own sanity and the sanity of your younger travelers, realize that going back to the hotel to nap or swim might be a good idea, even if that means you “waste” money that you spent to buy the ridiculously over-priced park tickets. I’ve heard from a few Disney expert bloggers that the witching hour is around 3 o’clock and let me tell you, THEY ARE RIGHT. I was of the mind on our trip that since my son doesn’t get to see his grandparents and cousin very much that we would skip the naps and regular bed times. This was a mistake. Not only do I feel like it ruined my son’s good time, but it also made me feel like a horrible parent since I was also at my wits end and just NOT having a good time on this trip that was supposed to be such a grand old time. If you have older kids, then I think this is definitely not so much of an issue, since my niece was also traveling with us, but as an 11 year old, I didn’t see too many meltdowns from her. So basically, if you’ve got little kids with you, PLEASE, base your day on what you think their needs are, and if that means you have to send the rest of the crew off to have the fun while you take the little bambino back to the hotel, then by all means, DO SO. You will be refreshed enough that later you can meet up with your crew again and have an enjoyable evening, instead of dragging a screaming monster around like a miniature zombie in a cart.

4. Don’t waste money on a dining plan. Surely there will be a lot of naysayers to this tip, but let me give you my reasons for this. The dining plans are EXPENSIVE and I feel the value that you get for snacks and quick service meals is not that great. Table service meals are a different story and I do feel like as long as it isn’t a two-point meal, I think that getting a table service meal is definitely your best value in the dining plan. But the snacks are only about $3 a piece, and mostly consist of crappy junk food and sweets that no one has any business eating multiple times a day. At least, I personally didn’t want to fill up on copious amounts of sugar and other garbage when all my body really wanted was a good salad and a ton of fresh tasting water. Quick service meals are essentially FAST FOOD only, that come automatically with a desert. Let me tell you, after being forced to eat some nasty circus food, the last thing I want is a huge giant desert to go with it. A quick service meal value is about $15, and it mostly consisted of food I didn’t want to begin with. If I didn’t have the dining plan, I would have been free to purchase what I wanted to eat and drink a la carte, instead of feeling like I was just throwing cash in the garbage can if I didn’t order the biggest platter of garbage I could find, just to make up the fact that I pre-paid $60 for meals that are not that great in the first place.  So unless you love to eat copious amounts of crap for days on end, I’d really suggest spending your money on table service and buying what you want for breakfast, lunch or snacks throughout the day. I would have much rather spent the money we used on crappy quick service to buy the extra large bottles of water and maybe some overpriced fruit. Instead, I felt compelled to order the most expensive grease-ball things so that I could get the value out of my plan. There were even some days I didn’t use my snack or quick service so I ended up wasting a LOT of money on unclaimed food. Also, keep in mind that ALL meals on the dining plan are shared with your group. So if you take a trip like we did with five extra people, it becomes hard to keep track of who is getting what meal or snack. It’s already an expensive enough trip without wasting money on stuff you yourself are not going to consume.

4. Character meals are really, really valuable. If you do end up going with the dining plan, DEFINITELY make reservations for a character meal or two. Here is why. At a character meal, you get guaranteed time and autographs from your favorite characters, thus eliminating the hour long wait to see Mickey and Co. in the parks. Believe me, even with Fast Passes, you definitely will spend enough time waiting and waiting and waiting in line for rides and to meet beloved characters. So, with or without the dining plan, make that Character meal reservation! Your kids and feet will thank you for that.


5. Beware the Magic Bands. I know everyone is all super stoked about these stupid bracelets and how cute they are and easy to use and whatnot. In theory, they should make it easier. However, in practice, they are worthless pieces of garbage. These bands supposedly make everything you need included right on your wrist: theme park tix, dining plan meals, room key, charging capabilities. Let me tell you, three out of the seven days I went to the parks, my “Magic” Band did  not work, and since I didn’t bring my Key To The World with me since I assumed the “Magic” Band would work, I literally had to have 39 employees helping me get into the park every single time. It took several days for my dining plan to work on my Band, and numerous times I was locked out of my room and had to take the bus 20 minutes to the front desk to have them reactivate it or whatever it is they did to the stupid thing to make it open the door. In a nutshell, the Magic Bands wasted a LOT of our precious vacation time, because not only did we have to argue to get into the parks and to use the dining plan, and waste time going back and forth to the front desk, but we also had to spend a lot of time in our resort lobby getting dining plan fees reversed, since some meals were paid for with money since the dumb Magic Bands were not actually linked to the ridiculous Dining Plan. (Just another reason NOT to prepay for your meals at Disney!) So if you get a Key to the World when you check in, bring that along even if you have the Magic Bands, ’cause let me tell ya, those Magic Bands are NOT so magical.

Honestly, I’m no expert on Disney, just a regular mom that noticed a lot of things that could have been better on this way expensive trip to Disney World. I spent all this time researching my trip and instead of following the advice given, I let my trip be ruined by not putting my foot down for the sake of my own sanity. If I had it to do over again, I’d take some of these things into major consideration, because in retrospect, even though my two (almost three) year old had a good time in general, I feel that the many thousands of dollars spent on this “magical” week could have been better spent on a few trips to visit the far-away grands, instead of a week of hurried frenzy that did not actually result in much quality time at all. Just try to make the most of it in terms of what is right for YOUR family, and don’t be swayed by the pressure of getting your money’s worth and pushing yourself to the limit.

To quote one of my favorite characters, “to infinity and beyond!” Go enjoy that trip, give yourself a break, and don’t forget to try and make it a fun vacation for YOU too!